Poems From the Past

I'm a poet and you didn't even know it! I used to write poetry all the time in a darker portion of my life. The frequency of my writing has decreased the light was brought back into my life, however, I often write when I have no one to talk to, or no one seems to understand, or when I have bored the ears off all of my friends. These poems were written a while ago during the aftermath of a difficult break-up. I had been doing homework at the Marriot Library and I couldn't seem to focus on my homework anymore. Seeing as I had no one around that I could talk to, I opened up a word doc. and started writing. The following have been revised, but the integrity stayed in tact.

Please keep in mind that much of it was written as though no one, but me, would read it. 

Enjoy the window into my soul!

A Smile Unreturned

A smile unreturned

Lost in eyes that suddenly drop

An awkward word

Just spit it out

String of compliments

He looks for my eyes

Tears fall down

Force a smile

It's okay I understand

Time passes

Don't understand

Don't know why

Want it all to be gone

Don't want to cry anymore!

Don't want to feel numb anymore

Want to feel the butterflies

Want to feel the excitement of life

Want to feel

Not have an absence of feeling

HEALING

Still don't understand

Still don't know why

It will never completely leave

Love still remains

Tears stopped

Numbness departed

Still miss and wish

I feel the butterflies

I feel the excitement

I feel 

I fell

The Talk

Smile

             Unreturned

Lost in eyes

             Suddenly drop

"So what's up?"

             Stumbling over words

*Spit it out*

             String of compliments

*Here it comes*

             "Didn't feel what I expected"

Air gone

             "It's nothing you did"

"I understand"

             Eye contact

Struggle to keep

              "Still want you in my life"

Doubt

             "I'm Sorry"

"It's okay"

             "Goodbye"

"Bye..."

             Leaves

Run

Conversations with Myself

Why the hell did he do this? I don't understand!!!!!!!

I'm me! I date everyone. I date around. I never gave up guys to date -him- and he screwed it up.

I'm a dating machine and I actually get asked out on dates when other girls just "hang out."

Ridiculous. Who prays about forever after two weeks? TWO WEEKS! Bleh. Idiot.

There's a hole in my chest. All of my feelings are just skin deep, except sadness. I'm sad to the core.

I'm lonely and I cant's seem to shake this feeling.

I "cuddled" with -another- last night and I barely felt anything!

A little flame popped up when he put his head on mine, but I'm not all here.

My heart is missing. -He- has it and I'm not sure if I want it back.

The Beginning of the End

Finals are coming up.

dun - dun - duuunnn!

This is when I start hyperventilating and making LOTS of lists! Very intricate lists of what I need to do in the next 4 weeks. I know that finals is in 4 1/2 to 5 weeks, but projects are not due that week... they are due the week before. These lists are color coordinated, pretty looking - it calms me - and then slowly turn MESSY! But they do get me through the finals month. I have so much to do! Math: practicum, dictionary, portfolio, notebook, and workbook. Reading Methods: practicum, tutoring observation, emergent literacy group project, and the rest of the reading summaries. Linguistics: group project, quiz, and take home final.

I've done this before right? WELL... I didn't used to work two jobs and go to school full time. A lot of my days are full and the only way to get it all done is to go MIA for a while... Don't worry, I'll surface on Sundays.

Melting

Okay, so I hate... wait that's a strong word... am not fond of The Wizard of Oz. I'm not sure why, but I still don't like it. Anyhow, I thought the picture was funny and appropriate. I almost posted a picture of a melting ice cube, but decided this would be more fun. I was right. :)

I'm melting!!! 

I suppose I owe more of an explanation. Back in 9th grade, sooo long ago, I was an awkward child. A targeted awkward child. I was consistently teased and bullied. I received quite a number of notes in my locker that said horrible things, even things were written on the white board INSIDE my locker. Needless to say, I cried almost everyday after school. Word of this reached my older brother's ears and he told me that I needed to stop crying, that everyone was getting tired of it. So I did. I didn't cry in public unless it was something really big! I would get upset, but I rarely cried.... even in private. That's right. I couldn't cry on my own. I could only trigger it if I was talking about it. Thus, less private than I'd prefer.

I have been struggling with this problem ever since. It's been really hard because I would go home from something upsetting, or just had a bad day, and I couldn't even cry it out. Crying has and always be part of my healing process. I don't feel better until I let out all that built up emotion. However, that relief came rarely and I would become frozen in my zone of unhappiness. Many could recognize me in this stage and made me talk about it, helping me immensely! I've tried so hard to break myself out of this frozen state, but nothing worked.
...
But then!
...
Something happened. It was a shock to my system. A rejection of common sense. I heard myself say that everything was fine, but my soul, not my heart, was HURTING. It cut deep and dirty and I was alone to face it. I drove home and the flood gates opened. "I'm melting." Another shock to my system, but a good one this time. I was upset and wanted to cry so I did!

This happened awhile ago and I admit that there are parts of me that haven't completely melted yet. I'm still working on that and I'm making progress. I can still cry though and It's felt wonderful!

Funny how dancing in the rain can require creating some of your own.