Count Your Blessings

Thanksgiving is an interesting day. The United States of America was the first country to dedicate a day to give thanks. Think about it. We all get a day off a school and work to focus on those wonderful things we have in our lives. We spend the day with family! No one is alone on Thanksgiving. Those without somewhere to go automatically are instantly invited to friend's table for a feast of gratitude.

In honor of the beautiful Thanksgiving Day in 2011, I give thanks for all the blessings I have in my life.

• My mom. She is not my best friend, she is my mom. A mother with a listening ear who is never judgmental. She taught me to love everyone, even if I don't love what they do. She taught me to give everyone a second chance... and a third... and a fourth... you get the idea. I love her more than she knows and it's my life's ambition to be just like her. Thanks Mom!!!

• My dad. A man who as always pushed me to be my very, very best. The man who can fix anything, whether a bike, a weird-smelling furnace, or a china set. A man who's greatest pride is the accomplishments of his children. Thank you Dad.

• Cameron, my big brother. He always watched over me from a distance in school. Tried to help me avoid doing embarrassing things... sometimes to no avail. :) Our friendship has grown stronger since he returned from serving a two-year mission in Bangkok, Thailand. I will always look up to him. Thanks for always being there Cam.

• Helene, my little sister. No one can bug me as much as she does, but no one can love her as I do. She is possibly my favorite person to fight with, however, since she's been in Savannah, Georgia for an internship with Del Sol, I miss her more than words can describe! She is always my go-to for fashion advice, she tells me what was going on bluntly, and she is a master manipulator... good thing I've been trained how to spot it. I love you and miss you Helene!

• Brandon, my baby brother. Oh my goodness! He is hilarious! You know those social filters that we all pick up along the way? Well he doesn't really have one... and he doesn't care! I love his unconditional love and how he isn't embarrassed to give his biggest sister a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I'm so grateful for my little Buddy!

• Allie, my best friend. She is such an inspiration to me! She recognizes the good in EVERYONE and loves them just the same! Thanks for listening and advice--ing Al!

• Sarah, my best friend. A friend to everyone. A girl who as seen me through it all! Thanks for loving me still!

• Elisa, my best friend. She can tell me straight. No beating around the bush, but she sure knows how to pamper a girl when she's had a hard week. Thanks for putting up with my ditzyness!

• Tyler, my best guy friend. He helped me through a hard time in my life and set my college life out on the right foot! Thanks Ty!

• Josh, my best guy friend. Wow, he sure can see me like no one else and read me like a book too! He's hilarious and crazy and that's why I love him! Thanks for the long talks Josh!

• Grif, my best guy friend, my dance partner, my entertainment. From our deep talks to busting out songs at the top of our lungs, he is my favorite person to hang out with no matter my mood. He has also introduced me to so many awesome people who have impacted my life for the good. Love that guy! Thanks Grif!

• Russel, my best guy friend. The guy who comes off as a total goof ball, but is a total sweet heart once you get to know him. Thank you for listening and offering advice, or even simply giving me a hidden hug when you recognize those moments where one is desperately needed.

• Ephraim, my best guy friend. A guy who knows everything about me and loves me anyway. A guy who will not let me think back of myself and has every right to think bad of me. He forgave me even when it would've been completely understandable if he didn't. Thanks for the awesome movie nights and late night waffles! Thank you for listening.

• Bryant, my boyfriend. Oh my, he's hilarious! I always seem to be laughing when I'm with him. I know I can depend on him for anything! Thanks for the memories Bry! I look forward to tons more!

• My awesome house. It's adorable and it's affordable. I'm learning so much on my own!

• The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I know it is true.

• God, my Heavenly Father. He loves me and I love him.

• Jesus Christ, my savior and friend. I couldn't make it without him. 

• My Totally Awesome, simply fabulous, hilarious, forever caring friends. I will never forget you!

• Polly, my 03 Mazda Protege. I couldn't survive my life without her! Keep going baby!

• My laptop. 
• My scholarship.
• My teaching job. I sure do love those kids!
• My waitressing job. SO much fun to work there.
• Pie
• My cell phone.
• My bed.
• Movies
• My movie collection.
• Netflix
• Utah
• Snow
• Music
• Brownies
• Cookies
• Ice Cream
• Hot Chocolate
• Lactaid
• Food
• Teachers
• Aunts and Uncles
• All the little moments that make the best memories.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,

And you will keep singing as the days go by.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged, God is over all;

Count your many blessings, angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

- Count Your Blessings by Johnson Oatman, Jr.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Poems From the Past

I'm a poet and you didn't even know it! I used to write poetry all the time in a darker portion of my life. The frequency of my writing has decreased the light was brought back into my life, however, I often write when I have no one to talk to, or no one seems to understand, or when I have bored the ears off all of my friends. These poems were written a while ago during the aftermath of a difficult break-up. I had been doing homework at the Marriot Library and I couldn't seem to focus on my homework anymore. Seeing as I had no one around that I could talk to, I opened up a word doc. and started writing. The following have been revised, but the integrity stayed in tact.

Please keep in mind that much of it was written as though no one, but me, would read it. 

Enjoy the window into my soul!

A Smile Unreturned

A smile unreturned

Lost in eyes that suddenly drop

An awkward word

Just spit it out

String of compliments

He looks for my eyes

Tears fall down

Force a smile

It's okay I understand

Time passes

Don't understand

Don't know why

Want it all to be gone

Don't want to cry anymore!

Don't want to feel numb anymore

Want to feel the butterflies

Want to feel the excitement of life

Want to feel

Not have an absence of feeling

HEALING

Still don't understand

Still don't know why

It will never completely leave

Love still remains

Tears stopped

Numbness departed

Still miss and wish

I feel the butterflies

I feel the excitement

I feel 

I fell

The Talk

Smile

             Unreturned

Lost in eyes

             Suddenly drop

"So what's up?"

             Stumbling over words

*Spit it out*

             String of compliments

*Here it comes*

             "Didn't feel what I expected"

Air gone

             "It's nothing you did"

"I understand"

             Eye contact

Struggle to keep

              "Still want you in my life"

Doubt

             "I'm Sorry"

"It's okay"

             "Goodbye"

"Bye..."

             Leaves

Run

Conversations with Myself

Why the hell did he do this? I don't understand!!!!!!!

I'm me! I date everyone. I date around. I never gave up guys to date -him- and he screwed it up.

I'm a dating machine and I actually get asked out on dates when other girls just "hang out."

Ridiculous. Who prays about forever after two weeks? TWO WEEKS! Bleh. Idiot.

There's a hole in my chest. All of my feelings are just skin deep, except sadness. I'm sad to the core.

I'm lonely and I cant's seem to shake this feeling.

I "cuddled" with -another- last night and I barely felt anything!

A little flame popped up when he put his head on mine, but I'm not all here.

My heart is missing. -He- has it and I'm not sure if I want it back.

The Beginning of the End

Finals are coming up.

dun - dun - duuunnn!

This is when I start hyperventilating and making LOTS of lists! Very intricate lists of what I need to do in the next 4 weeks. I know that finals is in 4 1/2 to 5 weeks, but projects are not due that week... they are due the week before. These lists are color coordinated, pretty looking - it calms me - and then slowly turn MESSY! But they do get me through the finals month. I have so much to do! Math: practicum, dictionary, portfolio, notebook, and workbook. Reading Methods: practicum, tutoring observation, emergent literacy group project, and the rest of the reading summaries. Linguistics: group project, quiz, and take home final.

I've done this before right? WELL... I didn't used to work two jobs and go to school full time. A lot of my days are full and the only way to get it all done is to go MIA for a while... Don't worry, I'll surface on Sundays.

Melting

Okay, so I hate... wait that's a strong word... am not fond of The Wizard of Oz. I'm not sure why, but I still don't like it. Anyhow, I thought the picture was funny and appropriate. I almost posted a picture of a melting ice cube, but decided this would be more fun. I was right. :)

I'm melting!!! 

I suppose I owe more of an explanation. Back in 9th grade, sooo long ago, I was an awkward child. A targeted awkward child. I was consistently teased and bullied. I received quite a number of notes in my locker that said horrible things, even things were written on the white board INSIDE my locker. Needless to say, I cried almost everyday after school. Word of this reached my older brother's ears and he told me that I needed to stop crying, that everyone was getting tired of it. So I did. I didn't cry in public unless it was something really big! I would get upset, but I rarely cried.... even in private. That's right. I couldn't cry on my own. I could only trigger it if I was talking about it. Thus, less private than I'd prefer.

I have been struggling with this problem ever since. It's been really hard because I would go home from something upsetting, or just had a bad day, and I couldn't even cry it out. Crying has and always be part of my healing process. I don't feel better until I let out all that built up emotion. However, that relief came rarely and I would become frozen in my zone of unhappiness. Many could recognize me in this stage and made me talk about it, helping me immensely! I've tried so hard to break myself out of this frozen state, but nothing worked.
...
But then!
...
Something happened. It was a shock to my system. A rejection of common sense. I heard myself say that everything was fine, but my soul, not my heart, was HURTING. It cut deep and dirty and I was alone to face it. I drove home and the flood gates opened. "I'm melting." Another shock to my system, but a good one this time. I was upset and wanted to cry so I did!

This happened awhile ago and I admit that there are parts of me that haven't completely melted yet. I'm still working on that and I'm making progress. I can still cry though and It's felt wonderful!

Funny how dancing in the rain can require creating some of your own.

The Golden Rule

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Seriously people, do it.

It's not so fun to be on the other side. 

Fears

I'm a little bit of a daredevil. :) I'll do the highest, flippiest, and most dangerous lifts when dancing like a Candle Stick, Around the World, Falling Angel, The Chair, and my favorite: Texas Star. I'll go off any number of jumps at the sand dunes, including those built off of a slip-in-slide with a "trench" of water at the bottom (without an ATV) multiple times giggling the whole time. EVEN if I fall, I'll get up and do it again.

However, I have discovered something that scares the living daylights out of me!

Trampolines.

Irrational? I don't know, I just don't like them! I suppose the reason is that they tend to be small and the ground tends to be hard around them. If I miss, it hurts! There's also the chance I'll land on my head on the hard ground. This fear can possible be traced back to the large number of times I'll fallen when jumping on trampolines. Ohs well. :) Needless to say, I really don't like the game "Rocket."

I discovered this fear at a gymnastics gym last night. Well it was just a trick gym actually. There were no balance beams (I was kinda sad cuz I like spinning off them into the foam pits). I could jump on the super bouncy tramps and do all sorts of kicks where I stayed upright, but I couldn't bring myself to do a flip, which I KNOW I can do! Well I did one once, just once. It was lame. :S

I'd much rather:

• Climb the rock wall and jump off into the foam pit
• Get charged at with a pad and fly into the foam pit behind me
• Charge into a mountain man and just end up on the ground
• Try it again and bounce back 3 feet
• Swing off the trapease.. I think that's how you spell it.. and do flips off it.
• Cartwheels
• Run into a wall... multiple times.
• Or anything where I'm just in the air and not jumping into it!

I'm not kidding that I'm really afraid of it! My heart was pounding just at the thought of them. Don't downplay my fear. Pretty sure it's a result of me not trusting myself, but I'm more than willing to trust other people.

Especially when doing the Texas Star. :)

Teaching

"Teacher's hefty salaries are driving up taxes and they only work 9 or 10 months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do - babysit! We can get that for minimum wage. That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they works, not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 am to 3:00 pm with 45 minutes off for lunch and plan -- that equals 6.5 hours). Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now how many students do they teach a day... maybe 30? So that's $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day. However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations. LET'S SEE... That's $585 x 180 = 105,300 per year (Hold on! My calculator needs new batteries).
"What about those special education teacher and the ones with Master's degree? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.25), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour. That would be $8 x 6.5 hours x 30 children x 180 days = $280,800 per year. Wait a minute -- there's something wrong here!
"There sure is! The average teacher's salary (nationwide) is $50,000. $50,000/180 days = $277.77 per day/30 students = $9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student -- a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids! WHAT A DEAL!!! Heaven forbid we take into account highly qualified  teachers or NCLB!"

- Stolen from my Aunt Kim who stole it from a friend. :)

If you're anything like me, you got really frustrated while reading the beginning of this quote.However, it couldn't have ended better! So why have I chosen this career that pays so very little? Because it truly makes me happy! There is nothing like a child's hug or smile to improve your day!

I work as a teacher's assistant at Upland Terrace Elementary in a developmental kindergarten classroom. I really really love it! Everyday is different. My students are in different moods and dispositions. However, they are still adorable!!! Sometimes they say "I hate you Miss Aubrey" when I won't allow them to do something. Then two minutes later I feel little arms around my waist and see two big eyes looking lovingly up at me! Even today I was helping a student put on their hat and coat and he all of the sudden gave me a hug. Not common for that one. My whole day is full of laughter and funny comments! Then there are moments... emphasis on the word "moments"... when their worlds seem to be falling apart and I get to comfort them and coach them through these new feelings their still learning to cope with.

I had a hard childhood. I was bullied, friendless, and struggling to keep up with the curriculum. My teachers kept me going. They loved me even when no one else did. So THAT is why I want to be a teacher, to help children find hope in a seemingly hopeless world.

So,

from one teacher to another,

or more importantly,

from a student to my teacher.

Thank you.