There tends to be times in my life when I really look back on the past year. Some people do this at the start of a new year, I suppose I kind of do it then, however, I tend to do it all the time. I'm a person who remembers dates really well and when I approach a memorial date I will think back to a year or more before and how everything is different. It is amazing what happens in a year!
Last year at this time I was beginning to date a guy... I'll just call it as it is - he is a player. I have met bigger players in my time, but he definitely deserves that title. His influence permeated for MONTHS after he physically left. Thinking back, I wish I had seen the signs and taken more precautions rather than letting him in so quickly. You think a girl would learn.
Well, I did. This player's influence eventually lead me to dating the love of my life, Anthony. A man who is everything BUT a player and also happens to be my very best friend.
Dear friends, please learn from my example. Do not kiss on a first meeting. Do not play into their hand. Do not let them make you the bad guy. Do stand up for yourself. Do remember your divine worth.
Do dance in the rain, even if you dance alone.
Showing posts with label Trials. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trials. Show all posts
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
A Day Devoted to Love
Happy Valentine's Day EVERYONE!!!
For those of you who are wallowing on what you're calling "Single Awareness Day," please note that I know where you are coming from! I called this fabulous day by that sad name for years, I have even gotten hate notes in my locker. I really should have an astonishing hate for this holiday, however, please try to see it in new light like I was forced to about two years ago!
Two years and one week ago, my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. Yep, you did the math correctly. ONE WEEK before Valentine's Day. It was awful! I kept spontaneously combusting into tears! However, as Valentine's Day approached I decided to make the best out of this day and take the time to show love and gratitude for those who helped me get through that hard time. I made Valentine's for all of them! They were all surprised and I realized how sad it is that people stop giving valentines to their friends after grade school. I made a goal to make the best out of Valentine's Day. That year brought the best holiday of love! My roommate, who just broke up with her boyfriend too, and I met up with two of our single guy friends and went out for a night on the town... In happy valley. We went dancing, we had pizza, and we watched a movie in a BYU classroom. It was not a date, everything was Dutch, but it was an absolute blast!
I understand that this is hard to recreate every Valentine's Day, but that's not my point. The point is that I changed my attitude and it changed my day! Last year wasn't the best holiday, but I still bought valentines to show my friends and family how much I love them. Seeing them smile, even though many of them were single like me, made the day!
That is what Valentine's Day is all about!
I have never had a valentine until this year and he is my fiancé, my best friend, my partner in crime, the love of my life, and he is mine for eternity. I'm grateful that I've always been single, not alone, on this day because now it's even more special as we ate pizza and brownies that we made from scratch, drank A&W Draft Root Beer, had a T-Rex and a Raptor as our centerpieces, and enjoyed it all by candlelight.
Remember to dance in the rain!
P.S. I still gave out valentines this year even though I have a valentine... And I get to eat the left overs! ;)
I understand that this is hard to recreate every Valentine's Day, but that's not my point. The point is that I changed my attitude and it changed my day! Last year wasn't the best holiday, but I still bought valentines to show my friends and family how much I love them. Seeing them smile, even though many of them were single like me, made the day!
That is what Valentine's Day is all about!
I have never had a valentine until this year and he is my fiancé, my best friend, my partner in crime, the love of my life, and he is mine for eternity. I'm grateful that I've always been single, not alone, on this day because now it's even more special as we ate pizza and brownies that we made from scratch, drank A&W Draft Root Beer, had a T-Rex and a Raptor as our centerpieces, and enjoyed it all by candlelight.
Remember to dance in the rain!
P.S. I still gave out valentines this year even though I have a valentine... And I get to eat the left overs! ;)
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Zion Day
The Holladay YSA Stake (my stake) has instituted Zion Day. Zion Day is every Tuesday and we have been asked to pray for members of our stake. I admit that I haven't been consistent with this responsibility. HOWEVER! I have been a recipient of Zion Day. I had a hard weekend last week. I was stressed about money for tuition and had no idea how to pay it. I was asking friends and family for assistance. None were financially able to help. I applied for a personal loan last Saturday, but was informed that I wouldn't find out if I got it until Tuesday morning (the day tuition was due) because of Labor Day weekend... It freaked me out. I tried not to think about it on Sunday and Monday. I trusted it would all work out.
Tuesday morning came and I called the credit union and waited on hold for what seemed like forever to find out the news. Well, disappointment hit hard. I needed a co signer to get the loan, something I couldn't provide in such short notice. It was the day of reckoning and I had 7 hours to come up with the money. Then my last chance - a deferral plan - wasn't working. The Internet site was crashing. I broke down. Not a little bit, a lot a bit. I threw myself on my knees and prayed/begged for my Heavenly Father's help. With tears flowing down my cheeks, I left for work. I work as a nanny from 10 to 4. Tuition was due at 4:45. I felt as though all was lost, but I couldn't give up. I just couldn't. So I text my boyfriend Anthony for support. He came through with a wonderful text telling me to keep a prayer in my heart and just have faith because it will all work out in the end. Then I text my roommate Alexis, it was random, but inspired. She knows how to handle money. She came to my rescue with loan options and different ideas. I was actually able to get on the Internet while the little boy I nanny, played on his own. The deferral plan website started working again and I was texting Anthony and Alexis for advice. Well I couldn't afford the upfront payment. So I was lead to drop one class. It was hard but turned out okay. An enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders and I knew everything happens for a reason. I felt SOO much better! I finished work happily and left for school. On my way to class I ran into two girls from my old LDS sorority and one good friend I haven't seen in a while. They gave me big hugs and were happy to see me. They asked many questions and gave much encouragement.
I headed to class shortly after talking to them and it was a good class where I got partnered up with a friend who is often in my classes. After class I went to the LDS Institute to wait for Anthony to get back from his man date with his friend. While at the institute, I sat with the same old friend I saw earlier and we talked and did homework. I saw Tyler, a friend whom always calls me Polly. Suddenly, a person appeared in the seat next to me. I quickly realized it was Julie from my ward! We talked for a half hour until I had to leave to take my car to another friend to help me fix the belts. On my way to my car, I saw a couple of girls STANDING on my car! I was about to freak out at them, but then I recognized them as my best friend, Allie, and sister, Helene. They were going to send me a picture of it.
While fixing my car, Nate took off my serpentine belt and inspected it. It was still in good shape, no need to replace it. So he put it back on and tightened the loose bearings that were making the squeaking noise.
I was in dire need of love on that day. I felt so alone as I faced this huge hurdle and the Lord put ten individuals on my path to inspire and uplift me. I know it was because I had all the prayers of the stake on my side.
God loves us individually. He helps us specifically.
There are no coincidences.
Tuesday morning came and I called the credit union and waited on hold for what seemed like forever to find out the news. Well, disappointment hit hard. I needed a co signer to get the loan, something I couldn't provide in such short notice. It was the day of reckoning and I had 7 hours to come up with the money. Then my last chance - a deferral plan - wasn't working. The Internet site was crashing. I broke down. Not a little bit, a lot a bit. I threw myself on my knees and prayed/begged for my Heavenly Father's help. With tears flowing down my cheeks, I left for work. I work as a nanny from 10 to 4. Tuition was due at 4:45. I felt as though all was lost, but I couldn't give up. I just couldn't. So I text my boyfriend Anthony for support. He came through with a wonderful text telling me to keep a prayer in my heart and just have faith because it will all work out in the end. Then I text my roommate Alexis, it was random, but inspired. She knows how to handle money. She came to my rescue with loan options and different ideas. I was actually able to get on the Internet while the little boy I nanny, played on his own. The deferral plan website started working again and I was texting Anthony and Alexis for advice. Well I couldn't afford the upfront payment. So I was lead to drop one class. It was hard but turned out okay. An enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders and I knew everything happens for a reason. I felt SOO much better! I finished work happily and left for school. On my way to class I ran into two girls from my old LDS sorority and one good friend I haven't seen in a while. They gave me big hugs and were happy to see me. They asked many questions and gave much encouragement.
I headed to class shortly after talking to them and it was a good class where I got partnered up with a friend who is often in my classes. After class I went to the LDS Institute to wait for Anthony to get back from his man date with his friend. While at the institute, I sat with the same old friend I saw earlier and we talked and did homework. I saw Tyler, a friend whom always calls me Polly. Suddenly, a person appeared in the seat next to me. I quickly realized it was Julie from my ward! We talked for a half hour until I had to leave to take my car to another friend to help me fix the belts. On my way to my car, I saw a couple of girls STANDING on my car! I was about to freak out at them, but then I recognized them as my best friend, Allie, and sister, Helene. They were going to send me a picture of it.
While fixing my car, Nate took off my serpentine belt and inspected it. It was still in good shape, no need to replace it. So he put it back on and tightened the loose bearings that were making the squeaking noise.
I was in dire need of love on that day. I felt so alone as I faced this huge hurdle and the Lord put ten individuals on my path to inspire and uplift me. I know it was because I had all the prayers of the stake on my side.
God loves us individually. He helps us specifically.
There are no coincidences.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
This College Thing
Ah school...
That thing that come every August and ruins all our lives!
Especially in college.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE college! It's the best time of my life! Everything is so so fun! HOWEVER! Tuition sucks. This has been the first semester that I've had to pay tuition... I know "boo hoo Aubrey. It's your 5th year of college and you're just now worrying about this." And you're right! I'm very blessed! Although, now I know how the rest of my school feels. Thus, it suck!
I pretty much fell apart for a week because of school stuff... and other stuff... but it all stemmed from school issues... Anyway! Anthony helped me through it and all is good now.
Guess how many credits I'm taking!!!
Drum roll please.....................................
7.
Yep. Just 7! The lowest I've ever taken is 12 and now I'm just over half that.
Well, I guess this is my reward for only having to take 6 classes this year before I start my student teaching. Thus 3 classes this semester and 3 next semester. It all works out though because these classes are the hardest yet! Luckily, my teachers are awesome and they actually care about teaching us and helping us learn. Therefore, I want to do the work for them. I know it's not about the grade to them. It's about us.
That's the kind of teacher I want to be.
I think I can do this college thing.
That thing that come every August and ruins all our lives!
Especially in college.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE college! It's the best time of my life! Everything is so so fun! HOWEVER! Tuition sucks. This has been the first semester that I've had to pay tuition... I know "boo hoo Aubrey. It's your 5th year of college and you're just now worrying about this." And you're right! I'm very blessed! Although, now I know how the rest of my school feels. Thus, it suck!
I pretty much fell apart for a week because of school stuff... and other stuff... but it all stemmed from school issues... Anyway! Anthony helped me through it and all is good now.
Guess how many credits I'm taking!!!
Drum roll please.....................................
7.
Yep. Just 7! The lowest I've ever taken is 12 and now I'm just over half that.
Well, I guess this is my reward for only having to take 6 classes this year before I start my student teaching. Thus 3 classes this semester and 3 next semester. It all works out though because these classes are the hardest yet! Luckily, my teachers are awesome and they actually care about teaching us and helping us learn. Therefore, I want to do the work for them. I know it's not about the grade to them. It's about us.
That's the kind of teacher I want to be.
I think I can do this college thing.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Heal and Trust
People get rejected. It happens. It's called life. However, I tend to - like many people - think back to the most recent relationship that was somewhat successful. This happened one night when I was having a hard time being single with seemingly no hope for the future. It was one of those relationships that ends without any particular explanation and I'm left to myself to sort it all out. But... I can't... So I did what I always do when I don't understand or when I feel weak.
I prayed.
I prayed to understand, I prayed for strength, I prayed for peace. To be honest, prayer is one of the things I've been working on getting better at. I tend to be so tired from my overly productive day that I end up falling asleep while praying. This was not one of those prayers. There was earnest power behind it. However, I still forgot about it by the next morning.
The next day was Stake Conference for the Holladay YSA Stake. They changed the Stake Presidency at this meeting so it was filled with talks from the "old" leaving and the "new" coming in. Some talks were long and some were very very short.
I remember one talk in particular though. He was a missionary, and older missionary. His wife had just sat down and what she said was lost to me as soon as he opened his mouth:
"One of you is looking for an answer to your question, he said, it may even have been last night.... I'm going to answer that question. Christ suffered in Gethsemane. He suffered more than any other. On his way out of the garden, a group of men met him. One of them lost an ear to Peter's blade. Christ reached out and touched his ear and it was healed. I testify that Christ will reach out and heal you, but it won't be your ear.
"It will be your heart.
"He will touch your heart and it will heal. Trust him." then he ended his talk. I wiped away my tears in vain as I looked over at my new roommate who was crying just like me. I felt the spirit. It was so strong. I feel it even now as I record the events. I know that my HEART will heal. I just have to trust in the Lord, for it is through Him that I will be healed.
I prayed.
I prayed to understand, I prayed for strength, I prayed for peace. To be honest, prayer is one of the things I've been working on getting better at. I tend to be so tired from my overly productive day that I end up falling asleep while praying. This was not one of those prayers. There was earnest power behind it. However, I still forgot about it by the next morning.
The next day was Stake Conference for the Holladay YSA Stake. They changed the Stake Presidency at this meeting so it was filled with talks from the "old" leaving and the "new" coming in. Some talks were long and some were very very short.
I remember one talk in particular though. He was a missionary, and older missionary. His wife had just sat down and what she said was lost to me as soon as he opened his mouth:
"One of you is looking for an answer to your question, he said, it may even have been last night.... I'm going to answer that question. Christ suffered in Gethsemane. He suffered more than any other. On his way out of the garden, a group of men met him. One of them lost an ear to Peter's blade. Christ reached out and touched his ear and it was healed. I testify that Christ will reach out and heal you, but it won't be your ear.
"It will be your heart.
"He will touch your heart and it will heal. Trust him." then he ended his talk. I wiped away my tears in vain as I looked over at my new roommate who was crying just like me. I felt the spirit. It was so strong. I feel it even now as I record the events. I know that my HEART will heal. I just have to trust in the Lord, for it is through Him that I will be healed.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Poems From the Past
I'm a poet and you didn't even know it! I used to write poetry all the time in a darker portion of my life. The frequency of my writing has decreased the light was brought back into my life, however, I often write when I have no one to talk to, or no one seems to understand, or when I have bored the ears off all of my friends. These poems were written a while ago during the aftermath of a difficult break-up. I had been doing homework at the Marriot Library and I couldn't seem to focus on my homework anymore. Seeing as I had no one around that I could talk to, I opened up a word doc. and started writing. The following have been revised, but the integrity stayed in tact.
Please keep in mind that much of it was written as though no one, but me, would read it.
Enjoy the window into my soul!
A Smile Unreturned
A smile unreturned
Lost in eyes that suddenly drop
An awkward word
Just spit it out
String of compliments
He looks for my eyes
Tears fall down
Force a smile
It's okay I understand
Time passes
Don't understand
Don't know why
Want it all to be gone
Don't want to cry anymore!
Don't want to feel numb anymore
Want to feel the butterflies
Want to feel the excitement of life
Want to feel
Not have an absence of feeling
HEALING
Still don't understand
Still don't know why
It will never completely leave
Love still remains
Tears stopped
Numbness departed
Still miss and wish
I feel the butterflies
I feel the excitement
I feel
I fell
The Talk
Smile
Unreturned
Lost in eyes
Suddenly drop
"So what's up?"
Stumbling over words
*Spit it out*
String of compliments
*Here it comes*
"Didn't feel what I expected"
Air gone
"It's nothing you did"
"I understand"
Eye contact
Struggle to keep
"Still want you in my life"
Doubt
"I'm Sorry"
"It's okay"
"Goodbye"
"Bye..."
Leaves
Run
Conversations with Myself
Why the hell did he do this? I don't understand!!!!!!!
I'm me! I date everyone. I date around. I never gave up guys to date -him- and he screwed it up.
I'm a dating machine and I actually get asked out on dates when other girls just "hang out."
Ridiculous. Who prays about forever after two weeks? TWO WEEKS! Bleh. Idiot.
There's a hole in my chest. All of my feelings are just skin deep, except sadness. I'm sad to the core.
I'm lonely and I cant's seem to shake this feeling.
I "cuddled" with -another- last night and I barely felt anything!
A little flame popped up when he put his head on mine, but I'm not all here.
My heart is missing. -He- has it and I'm not sure if I want it back.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Melting
Okay, so I hate... wait that's a strong word... am not fond of The Wizard of Oz. I'm not sure why, but I still don't like it. Anyhow, I thought the picture was funny and appropriate. I almost posted a picture of a melting ice cube, but decided this would be more fun. I was right. :)
I'm melting!!!
I suppose I owe more of an explanation. Back in 9th grade, sooo long ago, I was an awkward child. A targeted awkward child. I was consistently teased and bullied. I received quite a number of notes in my locker that said horrible things, even things were written on the white board INSIDE my locker. Needless to say, I cried almost everyday after school. Word of this reached my older brother's ears and he told me that I needed to stop crying, that everyone was getting tired of it. So I did. I didn't cry in public unless it was something really big! I would get upset, but I rarely cried.... even in private. That's right. I couldn't cry on my own. I could only trigger it if I was talking about it. Thus, less private than I'd prefer.
I have been struggling with this problem ever since. It's been really hard because I would go home from something upsetting, or just had a bad day, and I couldn't even cry it out. Crying has and always be part of my healing process. I don't feel better until I let out all that built up emotion. However, that relief came rarely and I would become frozen in my zone of unhappiness. Many could recognize me in this stage and made me talk about it, helping me immensely! I've tried so hard to break myself out of this frozen state, but nothing worked.
...
But then!
...
Something happened. It was a shock to my system. A rejection of common sense. I heard myself say that everything was fine, but my soul, not my heart, was HURTING. It cut deep and dirty and I was alone to face it. I drove home and the flood gates opened. "I'm melting." Another shock to my system, but a good one this time. I was upset and wanted to cry so I did!
This happened awhile ago and I admit that there are parts of me that haven't completely melted yet. I'm still working on that and I'm making progress. I can still cry though and It's felt wonderful!
I have been struggling with this problem ever since. It's been really hard because I would go home from something upsetting, or just had a bad day, and I couldn't even cry it out. Crying has and always be part of my healing process. I don't feel better until I let out all that built up emotion. However, that relief came rarely and I would become frozen in my zone of unhappiness. Many could recognize me in this stage and made me talk about it, helping me immensely! I've tried so hard to break myself out of this frozen state, but nothing worked.
...
But then!
...
Something happened. It was a shock to my system. A rejection of common sense. I heard myself say that everything was fine, but my soul, not my heart, was HURTING. It cut deep and dirty and I was alone to face it. I drove home and the flood gates opened. "I'm melting." Another shock to my system, but a good one this time. I was upset and wanted to cry so I did!
This happened awhile ago and I admit that there are parts of me that haven't completely melted yet. I'm still working on that and I'm making progress. I can still cry though and It's felt wonderful!
Funny how dancing in the rain can require creating some of your own.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Take Note
Wow!
I do believe that I have had the best and the worst week ever!!! However, my friend and I once decided that what makes a good day a good day rather than a bad day is that you simply have to have more good moments than bad. The next step to a good day is to NOTICE more good things than bad.
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you take trials as hidden blessings. Trials are like illnesses and our doctor (aka God) makes personal prescriptions to make us better. In most cases we can avoid getting sick in the first place by taking care of and improving ourselves. However, sometimes illness is genetic and no matter how hard we try to be good we can still get sick. So really, how personal are genetics! They ARE you!!! I keep thinking about the illnesses I've faced in my life, both physical and spiritual, and I can become down trodden by their weight at times. Sometimes they even overwhelm me so that I just don't know if I could wake up in the morning because I'm in so much pain! Then I think of all that I've overcome in my life and how I was able to get through every single hard time that I've faced WITH the help of those I love and my Savior. These rough times are made for me and it is already in me to overcome them. I am a Goddess in embryo. Wow. How can you feel like the world is against you if you've got God on your side?
Look out world. Here I come.
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