Just a Thought

... or dance... ;)

Sister Status

I know a girl
I've always liked through the years

I was young and awkward,
She was a smile in the hall

youthful and misunderstood
She was the neighborhood walk and a listening ear

A young adult and sickly but stubborn
She was a hand on my back walking up a snowy mountain.

Alone and broken hearted
She was an encouraging letter

Single and strong
She was a girls' night in.

In love and planning
She is a sister by my side.

People become friends
Friends become good friends
Good friends become old friends
Some become best friends
Few become family.

She has sister status.

Through and Through

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."

- Dr. Seuss  

Be You through and through.

I've worked with kindergartners this past year and I noticed something about them, they have their own personality!!! I'm sure some people out there are saying "well duh!" but think about it! For the longest time I thought that we develop our personality over time, which is true. However, I feel that we are WHO we are from birth. Different aspects about ourselves change, but I think that is just the process of trying to "find yourself" when you are young. You lose track of "who you are" in pursuit of "who they want me to be."

Once again, I must ask you to think about it! How did you act when you were little? Is it very similar to how you act now? Probably... unless you are fake now. :) Well, I did think about this! I was the little ray of sunshine. I was spunky, silly, loud, emotional, smart, controlling, and violent (we have footage of me hitting my older brother when he was teasing me... or I was just being silly... when I was 6... he didn't retaliate, which infers that it happened often.). Guess how I act now? The same. I simply have more life experience to help me relate to others around me.

Your kindergartner teachers knew you before you became you. Some of your self-destructing tendencies were evident when you were 5 and your teachers were trained to see them... and possibly warn your future teachers. 

:D 

What happened between now and then? Life. We all get to go through adolescence, it's a right of passage! Hopefully you learned something about who you don't want to be. I know I did. I'd much rather be confident, loud, and loving than insecure, quiet, and fleeting.  

Don't forget the things you used to love. 

Don't forget the things you used to want to do.

Don't forget the things you used to want to be.

Chances are they probably aren't "used to" still.

I used to love dancing at random happy moments.

I used to want to go to the Museum of Natural History.

I used to want to be a teacher.

I still do the walking man whenever something awesome happens.

I went to the Museum of Natural History 14 years after missing the field trip.

I'm two years away from getting my teaching license.

I used to love watching Disney movies.

I used to want to go to the Westminster Park.

I used to want to be a model.

I get more excited about a new Disney movies than anything else.

I drove by the park today and stopped to swing on the swings.

I get to model a winning outlook every day of my life.

In the words of Peter Pan

"If growing up means it would be beneath my dignity to climb a tree, I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up! Not me!"

That's Really Me

I was looking at pictures of me and my friends or family and reminisced about all of the happy memories associated with them when I suddenly realized,

that's really me. 

I suppose I've grow up knowing what I look like in pictures and in the mirror, but how often do I actually have a sense of who I am and what I look like during the 99% of the day when I am not looking in the mirror. I have somewhat recently discovered that I forget how I look as I'm going throughout my day. I forget I'm not wearing make-up or my latest shopping purchase. I am me, Aubrey, through it all. Sure, some days I feel off. Although, it's not because I actually look "ugly," but it really stems from who I feel like. My friend actually named my insecure self as a way of secretly communicating that I'm not being who I really am. If you were hoping that I'd disclose the name of this "other" me, I'm afraid you will be disappointed. It's called secret communication for a reason. ;)

Something I have discovered about myself is that I'm at my best when I'm around children, followed closely by when I'm dancing. Children are the most wonderful thing in the entire world and I love them. I tend to have more patience with children than I have with my friends... or anyone for that matter. Nothing makes a day better than the love of a child! I went to the zoo recently and I found myself watching the children more than the animals. Their reactions to the creatures around them was so entertaining and pure that I was mesmerized with joy. The kindergartners I assisted in teaching this past year graduated a week ago today. I am so proud of them and I love and miss them terribly! Seeing the kids at the zoo eased the pain for a while. Although, I'm afraid that I will never get my kid fix. It's an addiction I never want to break.

The Spark

By Aubrey Nance

In a world that is so dull and dark.

There is, in fact, a little spark.

A spark to make the day less gray.

It tends to blow the blues away.

This spark ignites no tiny flame.

You may ask, "what is its name?

"This thing so pure at heart.

"The muse of so much art.

"An inferno you should never tame.

"Whose wielder would need no fame.

"A glorious thing more valuable than gold.

"You know its name, or so I'm told."

My next remark would gild the lily.

"It's the love of a child, silly."

Counting

"A friend is someone who does things that count, but never stops to count them."

It's invigorating to finally just be happy with myself and recognize all of the blessings that I have. It is interesting because my biggest pitfall in my personality is to blame myself for everything. It's not a healthy habit, but I am getting a handle on it with a little extra help.

I started a habit of writing in a journal when I was about 13 years old. I did not have very many friends back then and it was my release, that and poetry (I won't let you read it, it's just depressing). ANYWAY! I've cultivated that habit and I have filled many many books with my random ramblings. It's really fun to look back at what I was doing _______ days/months/years ago. However, when I'm really tired I tend to write an itinerary of my day and it is really boring with very few memories. Which is strange considering that I strongly believe that everyday is filled with the little moments that make life worth while and those are the moments we should be focused on. So what did I do? Wait for it....

I created a memory book! Just a little book where I write at least one memorable thing for every day. It's been awesome! It gives me a real chance to look back on my day and search for those little things that made me grin and laugh. At first it was really difficult to think back for some memorable moment in a average day. So I started noticing during the day and I'm so excited to get to write them down! I've discovered that the little things don't get to me as much anymore! I think of ways to make the best out of any given situation. I have more patience with my students and customers.

I have an eternal perspective.

You're probably wondering what the quote at the beginning of this post has to do with anything I've talked about yet... just wait, it does, and here's how: We should not stop to count all the good deeds we do in a day, whether it be for a friend, coworker, family member, or random stranger! However, there are things we should count, like true friends, the moments that make us smile, the things people do for US, our talents, our positive attributes, and a bunch of other positive things. I'm not saying we should all get egotistical. I hate that! I'm just saying that no one likes a pity party and they are so avoidable if you just focus on the postitive!

I don't want to focus on the things I'm good at. That's for me to know and for you to find out. ;) Although, I do want to focus on the things people have done for me in the past few weeks. Yes, I'm going to talk about my tremendous friends. I know I do this a lot, but you tend to value what you haven't always had.

I have the best friends ever! I will not name them because I have to draw the line somewhere and I always hear about it if someone didn't make the cut. I love you all!!!

I have friends who let me vent to them, friends that wake me up from my delusions, friends that say they fail to find something wrong with me (Thanks for pretending), friends that will drive to give me a hug when I really need it, friends that randomly visit me at work and create a record for the most refills, friends who leave HILARIOUS voicemail messages(yes, I save them), friends who create rules and then kindly remind me of them, friends who won't let me think badly of myself, friends who will rescue me from a bad situation, friends that get mad when I say I can "maybe" go on a trip, friends who get mad at those friends who got mad at me for saying maybe, friends who laugh at my stupid jokes, friends who will only go to a party if I'm there (that makes me feel awesome), friends who say they feel like they've known me for ever rather than a few months, friends who love talking through movies, friends who go on drives, friends who go on adventures, friends who stay up talking for hours at IHOP, friends who say I'm beautiful even when I haven't showered for a week, friends who fight over whose ward I should be in, friends who make blanket forts, friends who go on midnight runs to Walmart, friends who love to EAT no matter the time of day, friends who give me piggy back rides, "shanaenae," friends who dance, friends who sing, friends who make me laugh, friends who make me cry, friends who dress down, friends who get spiffed up, I have friends and it's the one thing I've always wanted.

I'm going to start posting my memorable every day experiences on the sidebar of my blog... I hope I can figure it out! I'm excited to show you how awesome life can be... even with a life as busy as mine.

"Life's not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away."

- Hitch

Ctrl - Y

It's interesting how life tends to work itself out. So many factors influence our EVERYDAY life that it is quite improbable for one moment to determine the rest of our existence! However, moments can greatly influence our future and often do! We cannot press undo and shouldn't want to.

On December 31, 2011, my little sister, Helene, sent me a text that read "it's 12:00 am on January 1, 2011. You get a redo, do you take it?" My answer? NOOOO. First off, of COURSE you don't redo it. A year is a long time and why put yourself through all the hard times again. Sure you can avoid some, but there will be others! I'd much rather have a year of past experiences than have to relive what I've already been through. Once was enough.

However....

There are differently those nights that I wish I could redo or relive, just to see what had happened. Once again, these are impossible stupid things to dwell on. "What if"s are stupid! Even in present situations. For example, I once was dating a totally awesome and handsome guy. Now, we weren't exclusive and I was also interested in this other guy who seemed interested as well. Guy #1 wanted me to be his girlfriend, but I had reservations because what if guy #2 liked me too. One night I realized, HOW STUPID AM I?! I was putting off a sure thing for a what if. I went with the sure thing.... Well now you're wondering what happened to that guy. It didn't work out, but I did make the right decision. How do I know? Guy #2 started dating another girl around the same time and it did work out, thus they are getting married. Talk about God's plan right? Whatever is meant to happen will happen.

Thus I've chosen to push Ctrl-y on my life. It's worked out up to this point. Yes I'm single, but I've got the best friends in the world, two jobs that I LOVE, an adorable bachelorette pad, a spunky car, a hilarious family, and a date every weekend. I am living the dream. I'm creating memories that I will tell my kids one day.

In honor of Dr. Seuss' birthday....

Oh, The Places You'll Go

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.  And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

...

You're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

Poems From the Past

I'm a poet and you didn't even know it! I used to write poetry all the time in a darker portion of my life. The frequency of my writing has decreased the light was brought back into my life, however, I often write when I have no one to talk to, or no one seems to understand, or when I have bored the ears off all of my friends. These poems were written a while ago during the aftermath of a difficult break-up. I had been doing homework at the Marriot Library and I couldn't seem to focus on my homework anymore. Seeing as I had no one around that I could talk to, I opened up a word doc. and started writing. The following have been revised, but the integrity stayed in tact.

Please keep in mind that much of it was written as though no one, but me, would read it. 

Enjoy the window into my soul!

A Smile Unreturned

A smile unreturned

Lost in eyes that suddenly drop

An awkward word

Just spit it out

String of compliments

He looks for my eyes

Tears fall down

Force a smile

It's okay I understand

Time passes

Don't understand

Don't know why

Want it all to be gone

Don't want to cry anymore!

Don't want to feel numb anymore

Want to feel the butterflies

Want to feel the excitement of life

Want to feel

Not have an absence of feeling

HEALING

Still don't understand

Still don't know why

It will never completely leave

Love still remains

Tears stopped

Numbness departed

Still miss and wish

I feel the butterflies

I feel the excitement

I feel 

I fell

The Talk

Smile

             Unreturned

Lost in eyes

             Suddenly drop

"So what's up?"

             Stumbling over words

*Spit it out*

             String of compliments

*Here it comes*

             "Didn't feel what I expected"

Air gone

             "It's nothing you did"

"I understand"

             Eye contact

Struggle to keep

              "Still want you in my life"

Doubt

             "I'm Sorry"

"It's okay"

             "Goodbye"

"Bye..."

             Leaves

Run

Conversations with Myself

Why the hell did he do this? I don't understand!!!!!!!

I'm me! I date everyone. I date around. I never gave up guys to date -him- and he screwed it up.

I'm a dating machine and I actually get asked out on dates when other girls just "hang out."

Ridiculous. Who prays about forever after two weeks? TWO WEEKS! Bleh. Idiot.

There's a hole in my chest. All of my feelings are just skin deep, except sadness. I'm sad to the core.

I'm lonely and I cant's seem to shake this feeling.

I "cuddled" with -another- last night and I barely felt anything!

A little flame popped up when he put his head on mine, but I'm not all here.

My heart is missing. -He- has it and I'm not sure if I want it back.

Teaching

"Teacher's hefty salaries are driving up taxes and they only work 9 or 10 months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do - babysit! We can get that for minimum wage. That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they works, not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 am to 3:00 pm with 45 minutes off for lunch and plan -- that equals 6.5 hours). Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now how many students do they teach a day... maybe 30? So that's $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day. However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations. LET'S SEE... That's $585 x 180 = 105,300 per year (Hold on! My calculator needs new batteries).
"What about those special education teacher and the ones with Master's degree? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.25), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour. That would be $8 x 6.5 hours x 30 children x 180 days = $280,800 per year. Wait a minute -- there's something wrong here!
"There sure is! The average teacher's salary (nationwide) is $50,000. $50,000/180 days = $277.77 per day/30 students = $9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student -- a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids! WHAT A DEAL!!! Heaven forbid we take into account highly qualified  teachers or NCLB!"

- Stolen from my Aunt Kim who stole it from a friend. :)

If you're anything like me, you got really frustrated while reading the beginning of this quote.However, it couldn't have ended better! So why have I chosen this career that pays so very little? Because it truly makes me happy! There is nothing like a child's hug or smile to improve your day!

I work as a teacher's assistant at Upland Terrace Elementary in a developmental kindergarten classroom. I really really love it! Everyday is different. My students are in different moods and dispositions. However, they are still adorable!!! Sometimes they say "I hate you Miss Aubrey" when I won't allow them to do something. Then two minutes later I feel little arms around my waist and see two big eyes looking lovingly up at me! Even today I was helping a student put on their hat and coat and he all of the sudden gave me a hug. Not common for that one. My whole day is full of laughter and funny comments! Then there are moments... emphasis on the word "moments"... when their worlds seem to be falling apart and I get to comfort them and coach them through these new feelings their still learning to cope with.

I had a hard childhood. I was bullied, friendless, and struggling to keep up with the curriculum. My teachers kept me going. They loved me even when no one else did. So THAT is why I want to be a teacher, to help children find hope in a seemingly hopeless world.

So,

from one teacher to another,

or more importantly,

from a student to my teacher.

Thank you.

Just Decide

I was in a weird mood last night.

I was giddy.

I was silly.

I was confidant.

I was outgoing.

I was positive.

I was pretty.

I was happy.

It made me think. Why was it weird to be in that mood? Everyone around me seemed to enjoy my presence and my positive attitude. Am I just not happy all the time?

NO

Was it the effect of a perfect day? It wasn't. It was actually quite stressful and rushed.

What was it? -------------- Well! I'll tell you with a quote.

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." 

                                                                                  - Abraham Lincoln

I had decided to be happy. I chose to focus on the positive moments of my day. I counted my blessings.

Just decide to dance in the rain. 

Here We Go Again!

Another year has begun!!! I'm starting my second year at the University of Utah and I love it!!!! :D

(I know I didn't write all summer... I was busy having

too much fun and I didn't have internet at 

my 'plex so I couldn't update when I wanted to.)

Another busy semester is facing me! I really am working full time this semester. I have two jobs to do it! I am a Para Educator (AKA Assistant Teacher) in a Special Ed Kindergarten Class at Upland Terrace Elementary. I am also a waitress at The Cowboy Grub. I love both of my jobs, but they sure do keep me busy. Next on my plate is the full time school schedule I'm holding. I'm taking Math, Linguistics, a Reading Methods class (which also requires me to be a reading tutor on Tuesday and Thursday mornings), and a Zumba class (I needed one more credit hour for my scholarship to be valid). 

In the mean time, I'm also enjoying the new friends I made this Summer! My best friend, Grif Mansell, introduced me to a bunch of his high school friends whom I love to death!!! We play games like Wasser-Krieg (V-ah-s-er - Kreeg) which means "water war" in German. It's like water polo and rugby combined... with LESS rules. I got elbowed in the eye and woke up the next day with a slight black eye. It was awesome! We also play Frisbee golf... I'm really bad at it, but I still think it's so much fun! Then every Sunday night we have fantastic game nights! Oh my goodness, these people are so much fun!!! 

• Russell is a huge goof who likes to push people's buttons... and them into pools. He seems to especially like pushing my buttons. He's going to get hurt one of these days...
• Sam is the sweetest guy you could meet. He always greets me SO warmly! I look forward to hanging out with Sam, he's just a pleasure to be around all the time.
• Ashley. Oh this girl is beautiful inside and out! I love joking around with her. Also she makes me look good at Scum... the worst game ever. 
• Taylor is hilarious!!! He does it all! Music, dance, act, play sports, and looks cute while doing it. haha. Taylor is the type of person who is up for anything, anytime. 
• There are definitely more people whom I love but it would take way too long to write about them! 

On Another Note

Sometimes I find myself asking "why." Why did he break up with me? Why am I killing myself off for college? Why didn't he like me? Why am I working two jobs? Why am I not getting answers to my questions? 

The answer seems to keep coming back, "BE PATIENT." Not an easy thing for me to do ;)  However, I think I'm finally seeing the fruits of my labors! God really does answer prayers and sometimes you don't get the answer you were expecting.. you get something so much better! I know that's cliche, but it's SO true! About 3 weeks ago I got the rude realization that I wasn't going to get what I wanted. I was super sad for about 2 days. It was really hard and I didn't know what to do with myself! I just kept my chin up and pretended like nothing was wrong. Well after those two days something even better came my way! I feel like I'm living in a dream.

"If you want your life to be a fairytale, you have to be your own fairy godmother."

 Sometimes the "why" questions don't need to be answered. I think little clues for the reasons can be seen and those tend to give me hope, but I also know that those aren't always the real reason things happen. Sometimes you date people and it doesn't work out. Maybe it was because something was going to happen that wasn't supposed to, maybe you already learned the lesson in the short period of time, or maybe it was really that you were supposed to introduce your two friends. I used to want to play match maker, but now I realize that it doesn't work like that. I've introduced a ton my friends to people and nothing comes from it and then sometimes it does. I think I'd much rather be a tool in the Lord's hand and be pleasantly surprised with the results then give Him all the glory.

"'Why' questions are such a waste of time. Ask 'How can I turn this around?' and 'What can I learn from this?' Life is too short to be living in the past."

Lessons Learned, But I Haven't Met You Yet

I have a new favorite song. It is "Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood, my new favorite artist! Carrie is amazing and I love all of her songs. I had never heard her song "Lessons Learned" before I bought her album Some Hearts because I liked other songs on it. I seriously listen to this song 10+ times a day. I know every word and I even printed out the lyrics so I could tape them to my bedroom wall. I'm seriously in love and here's why:

There are so many words of wisdom in this song! "When life gets that much harder, it makes you that much stronger," "I'm thankful for every break in my heart, I'm grateful for every scar. Some pages turned, some bridges burned, but there were lessons learned," and "You can't change the past, 'cause it's gone. And you just gotta move on." I've made a lot of stupid decisions lately and I've been thinking about past mistakes and then I came across this song and it was an answer to my prayers. Everyone (well except one person :) ) has made mistakes and has regrets. I don't know if I regret any thing per say, all my decisions made me the way I am. However, I do wish I would've listened to The Spirit and my heart and made a better decision. I definitely have learned a lot of lessons. Then I love how it talks about broken hearts and how you just have to learn from every one!

Which leads me to my next favorite song: "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble. That one is pretty much self-explanatory. I have all these plans, hopes and dreams about who "he'll" be and what I'm going to do in my future. And I'll give more than I get, I just haven't met him yet!

Lessons Learned

- Carrie Underwood

There’s some things that I regret,

Some words I wish had gone unsaid,

Some starts,

That had some better endings,

Been some bad times I’ve been through,

Damage I cannot undo.

Some things,

I wish I could do all all over again,

But it don’t really matter,

When life gets that much harder,

It makes you that much stronger,

Oh, some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were,

Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,

And everyday I wondered how I’d get through the night,

Every change, life has thrown me,

I’m thankful, for every break in my heart,

I’m grateful, for every scar,

Some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned.

There’s mistakes that I have made,

Some chances I just threw away,

Some roads,

I never should have taken,

Been some signs I didn’t see,

Hearts that I hurt needlessly,

Some wounds,

That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,

But it don’t make no difference,

The past can’t be rewritten,

You get the life you’re given,

Oh, some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were,

Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,

And everyday I wondered how I’d get through the night,

Every change, life has thrown me,

I’m thankful, for every break in my heart,

I’m grateful, for every scar,

Some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,

Are the things that make you strong!

You can’t change the past,

Cause it’s gone.

And you just gotta move on,

Because it’s all

Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,

From everyday I wondered how I’d get through the night,

From every change, life has thrown me.

I’m thankful, for every break in my heart,

I’m grateful, for every scar,

Some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned,

Oh, some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned,

Lessons learned.

Lessons learned.

Haven’t Met You Yet

- Michael Buble

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down
I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life
And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility
And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united
And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility
And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet
I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get
I said love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love
(I just haven't met you yet)
Love, love, love, love
Love, love
I just haven't met you yet

My Life Is Average

My friends have shared stories from a website called "My Life Is Average." I have long since wanted to check it out, but always forget. HOWEVER, today I remembered. I have spent the past HOUR reading these random little stories. Pretty sure my dad thinks I've gone crazy and I randomly burst into hysteria of laughter! These people know how to dance in the rain. I will forever look for the little funny moments of my average life, because everyday moments make the best memories!

Here's a REALLY funny one I found today:

Today, I was in geometry class and decided to try #283 in 289 Things To Do In Class When Your Bored. "Teacher Bingo". I then proceeded to write six words I thought my teacher would most likely say. After ten minutes i had gotten most of my words, silently saying "yes!" to myself as I checked off each one. She kept looking at me because she knew I was anxiously hanging onto everyword she was saying. I was at my final word... Worksheet. She then proceeded to say "For homework tonight I have made up a workshe-" "YES!!!!!!" That "Yes!" hadn't been silent. The entire class turned to looked at me in shock: as did my teacher. My teacher then smiled at me and spent the next 15 minutes of class lecturing about how everyone should follow my example. Guess who didn't have to do a worksheet tonight? MLIA

I am totally doing this tomorrow! I probably won't get out of doing homework, but I'll have fun! :D